Most of us hold on to the delusion that if we work hard enough and save our nickels, at some point we’re going to be able to do or buy something fun. Women, it would appear, were created for the sole purpose of making absolutely sure that never happens.

I knew one woman who actually took out personal loans for a dress. No kidding. A dress. Granted she needed a formal dress for a business function. And granted the business function was sponsored by the guy’s employer, but a loan for a dress? Come on, that’s crazy.

Here are the 3 other things that women I know have used personal loans to buy, driving their husbands bat shit crazy in the process:

• Furniture. OK, we all like to sit down, and who wouldn’t like new furniture? A person with perfectly good furniture to sit on, that’s who. It may be ten years old, but it’s still perfectly good, right? And if it doesn’t match the room’s paint job, wouldn’t it be easier (and cheaper) to put up some wallpaper? What is it with women and new furniture, anyway?

• A mini van. Perfectly practical, there’s no denying it. But they could only afford one car between them. Since it was older and cheaper, she used personal loans. Now, he might not have been so mad about it except it meant he had to be seen driving the ugly thing (instead of the truck or muscle car he would have preferred). She said it would be good for hauling kids. Maybe if they’d had any kids, it wouldn’t have made him so mad.

• Clothing. Actually, we know a lot of women who have borrowed from the bank for a wardrobe adjustment. Most men will agree that if you need to finance clothes, you need to shop somewhere else. Maybe the fact that this particular wife had lost 100 pounds with weight loss surgery and actually needed new clothes should have made a difference. At any rate, he wasn’t complaining about the new body. Just the cost of the new clothes.

OK, you’ve got us, ladies. Women are practical, and men are jerks. Jerks who really don’t like financing practical things when there are so many fun things that could be purchased instead.

Photo via Joe Shlabotnik

The items that cause our other halves such consternation, such unbridled rage tend to be the objects of our greatest affection: items related to our hobbies, our toys. And, guys, this is ground that must be defended, regardless of how crazy our wives get.

We have an adult friend (and by adult, we don’t mean 19 years old, but closer to 40) who actually spent $75 on (get this) a large plastic Dungeons and Dragons figurine of some kind of a devil. Now that’s being loyal to your hobby, folks. We’re not sure if his wife wanted to kill him more for buying it, or for displaying it prominently where company would see it. At least he didn’t need to take out personal loans to buy it, though.

Here are the top 4 things men we know have bought with personal loans that drove their wives to the brink of murder:

• A Red Pontiac Firebird sports car. This might not have been so bad except that it didn’t run, the guy had absolutely no mechanical ability, and he actually needed a car. Granted, it was only $900, a minor detail that did not seem to quell her wrath.

• Golf clubs. OK, again, not such an unusual purchase, except the guy didn’t play golf. And didn’t end up starting like he said he was going to. Maybe it was because his wife scared him out of it.

• A beer bash. Don’t get me wrong, I doubt the guy wrote that down as what he wanted the loan for. In any case, the bash lasted four hours, the loan took four months to pay off, and four years later, he’s still hearing about it.

• Jewelry. This guy might have gotten away with it, if he had given her the jewelry for Christmas. She might have even been driven the other kind of crazy (remember, the “I’m gonna get some kind”). The fact that she found the loan paperwork and didn’t end up getting anything shiny under the tree? Let’s just leave at this: it wasn’t pretty.

So, if you’re thinking about buying something that you know might drive your wife crazy, wait until you can pay cash. After all, no one wants to see your wife on America’s Most Wanted.

We don’t know where your dream vacation is. For us, it was a trip to see Disney World with the kids (everyone really should do it at least once). For you, it might be a trip to Venice or to Paris, to Cancun or Rio. Or maybe you’d like to go on a cruise as a family. The destination really isn’t that important. The journey is the fun part.

You’re best off planning for your vacation with a travel agent. Not only are they often in the know about the best places to go and things to do at various destinations around the world, but booking a trip is generally cheaper with a travel agency than without them. This is because you benefit from the travel agency’s volume of business when it comes to tickets, fares, and other expenses. In most cases, the travel agent’s pay doesn’t even come out of what you’re paying; they make their money from the airlines, hotels, and attractions who give them a percentage of what they sell.

Don’t hesitate to use personal loans to finance that trip of a lifetime if you need to. There’s no price tag you can put on the experiences you can have together as a family on vacation. Studies have even shown that families that vacation at least every other year are significantly less prone to divorce. And, trust me, your vacation is less expensive than your divorce would be.

Remember to bring the whole family in on the planning stages. The last thing you want is to plan a big trip only to find out that the only one in the family enthused about it is you. Include everyone, even the kids. If everyone feels like they had a voice in where you choose to vacation, they will be more excited about the prospect of going.

Make sure you take enough money with you so that you can cover your expenses and have a good time without needing to worry. If you are traveling, especially abroad, consider purchasing traveler’s checks, as they are safer to carry than cash. Most of all, though, remember to have a good time.

Photo via Esparta

There are a number of accounts on the Internet of people claiming to have found a $100,000 bill, but are they authentic? It’s possible, though highly unlikely. The $100,000 notes, bearing the austere portrait of Woodrow Wilson, were gold certificate notes, and were originally designed only for use between financial institutions, which means they weren’t exactly bandied about, even when they were current.

The US went off the gold standard in 1933, under FDR. Gold notes were recalled and for years it was illegal to even have one. Understandable in a way, as inflation quickly caused the gold that backed the notes to be worth a lot more than the face value of the note. $100,000 in gold, circa 1933 is worth well over a million dollars today, over $1.6 million, in fact.

The $100,000 gold notes are a bit of an oddity, in that they were issued a year after the US was taken off the gold standard and other gold notes were taken out of circulation. Of course, it was never intended to land in the hands of Johnny Q. Public anyhow. They were only for government and financial institutions.

Most $100,000 notes anyone would find loose today are reproductions. It is likely that all of the genuine notes are in museums. If, however you do ever come across one of these notes, say, in Grampa’s attic, don’t fold it over in your billfold assuming it’s an interesting but worthless novelty. Have it looked at, just in case. Chances are it is only a novelty and a conversation piece, but who wants to risk more than a million dollars on skepticism?

Most of us will never see one of these notes unless we go to the Smithsonian. A few of us may see $100,000 at the same time, either as the result of a personal loan or as a result of careful savings, but chances are it’ll look more like a simple entry in a bank ledger rather than the serene yet unsmiling face of President Woodrow Wilson staring at us from the left of the number 100,000.

Photo via Dan4th

Credit card bills piling up? Mortgage payments seem too high? Still owe your brother-in-law for that botched .com investment a few years ago? You’re not the only one. Having financial issues is just part of being a human. And we like to take every opportunity we can to remind ourselves that celebrities are, indeed, human.

Some notable human celebrities include…

7. Donald Trump

He doesn’t part his hair forward, he parts his face back.

Financial mogul, business magnate, and television personality Donald Trump has seen his fair share of financial woes over the years. Despite early success managing his father’s company, the Trump Organization, the effects of recession in 1989 served a devastating blow to Donald. Some say that his hair never recovered.

What the hell happened? By the early 90’s Trump had accumulated a staggering$3.5 billion in business debt (casinos, hotels and loans) and $900 million in personal debt (golf clubs, hair products and women). The construction of his third casino, the $1 billion Taj Mahal, was primarily financed with high-interest junk bonds. In ’91 Trumps increasing debt finally got the best of him, and the Trump Organization was forced to file bankruptcy.

What can I learn from this? For the love of God, don’t take out loans that you can’t pay back. Although Trump got back on his feet around 1997, the recent financial crisis has once again reared its ugly head in the direction of The Apprentice star. In December of 2008 he failed to pay a $40 million loan to Deutsche Bank. In court, Deutsche Bank offered Trump a verbal kick in the balls, noting that “Trump is no stranger to overdue debt.”

Donald’s current wife, Melania. She’s totally with him for his personality.

In February of 2009 Trump Entertainment Resorts filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. That’s it. It has to be said. You’re fired.

6. Ed McMahon

Yep, he did Publisher’s Clearing House for a while too

“If you spend more money than you make,” said Ed McMahon, “you know what happens.” Yes, Ed McMahon, we do. A year before his death (he passed way in June), the Tonight Show sidekick went public with his increasingly dire financial situation. His multimillion dollar Beverly Hills mansion had gone into foreclosure, and things were looking pretty grim.

What the hell happened? McMahon’s bankruptcy stemmed from the classic case of just spending too much damn money while at the same time making very little damn money. After years of little work and big expenses, things began to pile up for the comedy icon. Between the mortgage ($4.8 million), the lawyer in his daughters divorce case ($275,168), and medical bills (a whole lot—he was 86), it was getting out of hand. Donald Trump offered to purchase McMahon’s house in order to keep him afloat, but McMahon eventually refused.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s bankruptcy!

What can I learn from this? You don’t need the $4.8 million house in the hills. Or, in your case, you don’t need to dish out another $500 so you can have a television in your bedroom. Strict monthly budgets conceived after strenuous studying of one’s income and expenses are important—toys are nice, but not filing for bankruptcy is even nicer.

5. Willie Nelson

He didn’t spend it all on pot you know

Generally country singers seem to have a whole lot to bitch about. Their wife left them, their dog died, their best friend slept with their mother, their voice sounds the same as every other country singer. But around 1990 country music legend Willie Nelson had something real to write a song about: he owed $16.7 million in debt to the IRS.

What the hell happened? Willie claims that he came to owe so much because of bad advice and bad investments (you should just see what you can get him to agree to when he’s high), and he later sued Price Waterhouse for mishandling his finances. Much of Nelson’s property was seized and auctioned off—but this is where it helps to have good friends (and fans). They helped by taking up collections and buying all of his property so that eventually, when he got back on his feet, he could buy it back from them. Nelson did a full schedule of road shows and sold an album, Who’ll Buy My Memories: The I.R.S. Tapes through an 800 number.

What can I learn from this? Make sure the person handling your money knows what they’re doing. It takes a lot of trust to put your hard earned cash in the hands of another, and it oftentimes leads to bad blood.

4. George Foreman

There is a price for getting your ass whooped by Ali.

When it comes to celebrities, athletes might be the most susceptible to fortune loss. Once out of their prime and off the team, money flow comes to an almost complete halt. That’s exactly what happened to George Foreman, who retired for the first time from boxing in 1977. It’s tough to keep up your lavish lifestyle when you’re only job is remembering to water the germaniums.

What the hell happened? The same thing that happens to tons of athletes happened to Foreman: the dude was out of money. With his savings dried up he was unable to make the minimum payments on his credit cards, bank loans and his mortgage. So he took a page out of Rocky’s book and hopped back in the ring. At 45 Foreman became the oldest man ever to become heavyweight boxing champion of the world, a feat that secured his name in boxing history and helped pay off his overwhelming debts.

Dinner for one…again.

What can I learn from this? It’s never too late to bounce back. How many boxing puns can be used here? Even if you’re back’s against the corner, you don’t need to be knocked out by debt! You can fight your debt and win! Wow, that’s actually all we’ve got. Foreman went on to become a highly successful entrepreneur, endorsing the George Foreman Grill, which you probably made your dinner on last night.

3. Gary Coleman

Whatchu talkin about, IRS?

Gary Coleman was once one of the highest paid child actors of all time, starring in sitcom sensation Diff’rent Strokes. But things went awry years later when he realized he was short on dough (and stature) and that he might have to file for bankruptcy. Apparently it’s tough for a thirty year old black man who looks like he’s seven to find work. Who would have thought?

What the hell happened? In 1989, Coleman sued his parents and former manager over misappropriation of his $3.8 million dollar trust fund. Awkward! Four years later he won over one million dollars in the settlement, but that wasn’t enough to keep Coleman from freefalling into the financial ruin cavern. Coleman filed for bankruptcy in 1999, claiming that it was the early mishandling of his money by his parents and manager that led him to have money woes. Even though he had, you know, already won that cool million.

Because when you think financial security, you think Gary Coleman.

What can I learn from this? Your family and your money should never, ever, ever mix. It always leads to trouble. Billy Joel (the sixth best-selling recording artist in the US) fired his ex brother-in-law after financial inconsistencies and my brother owes me twenty bucks for the pizza I bought last week.

2. Michael Jackson

Goin broke makes you look like….

Come on, really? Michael Jackson? Do you know how much he must have made over the span of his 40+ year career? Not enough, apparently. Although it may be hard to conceive, Jackson didn’t live within his ridiculously large means, and he left a lifetime of financial problems to his family when he died in June.

What the hell happened? After a long, prosperous career, The King of Pop’s kingdom, Neverland ranch, was taken from him in 2008 due to money problems. Jackson reportedly spent over thirty million dollars a year on clothes, toys, decorations and little boys (too soon?) for the ranch, and that kind of careless spending caught up with him. Marc Schaffel, a former adviser to Jackson, said Jackson failed to pay back numerous loans, and that when he’d ask for money, he’d often use code words to indicate the amount he wanted, like “super-size it.” Schaffel also said he once handed Jackson $100,000 in cash in an Arby’s bag, marking the first time anyone had ever been given something good in an Arby’s bag.

That clock counted down the time left before they had to vacate the property.

What can I learn from this? Don’t fall into debt, because you never know if you’ll have the time to climb out of it. Jackson was supposed to start a series of 50 concerts on July 13th, each of which would earn him $1 million.

1. Thomas Jefferson

Not only did our third president do well throughout his career in American politics (we appreciate the Louisiana Purchase), but he was also born into one of the wealthiest families in the United States. Thomas Jefferson was a thinking man, the author of the Declaration of Independence, a political philosopher, an architect, and the founder of University of Virginia. But money still got the best of him.

What the hell happened? When Jefferson’s father-in-law died, he and his brothers-in-law divided up his estate evenly before any of the debts on it could be settled. And it turned out the debts were more than any of them could handle. Jefferson did his best to sell land to earn money before the American Revolution, but by the time he received the payment the paper money was worthless because of the inflation of the war. The only reason creditors didn’t seize his estate, Monticello, was because of Jefferson’s role in American politics.

What can I learn from this? No matter who you are, money can bite you in the ass. After Jefferson’s death in 1826, Monticello and all his possessions, including 120 slaves (Christ!), were auctioned off. This helped pay for his $107,000 in debt, which by today’s standards equals right around an assload.

It’s a good time to be a consumer. As the recession continues to roll on, more and more excellent deals on hot ticket items are becoming available—flat screen televisions, computers, cars, and even homes are cheaper than ever.

But they’ve got to find a way to screw you, don’t they? Some products, many that we all pay for on a daily or weekly basis, are more expensive than they ever rightly should be.

7. Movie Theater Concessions

While it’s extremely unlikely that you’d pay over eight dollars for a bag of microwave popcorn at the grocery store, chances are you spent that and then some on snacks whenever you attended the latest Seth Rogan flick. Prices at movie theater concession stands have become comically high over the past ten years, and it only looks like they’re going to get higher.

Why are the prices so ridiculous? Because we keep paying them. Box offices sales are up about 11% over last year as Americans search for less expensive outings with the family, and theaters looking to capitalize on crowds markup the belly bombs. Especially popcorn, which according to economic professor Richard McKenzie, is marked up 1,275% an ounce.

Why the hell do we continue to pay for it? Unfortunately, most movie goers have been programmed to associate a night at the cinema with stuffing their faces. And as theaters continue to enforce the “no outside food” rule, the expensive concession stand seems like a hungry consumer’s only option. But it might be time to start sneaking those Snickers bars in your purse, people. They won’t change their ways if we don’t.

In the south, people are frequently caught smuggling these into Martin Lawrence films.

6. Event Parking

We’ve all been there. You’re excited as hell to be driving to the Jonas Brothers concert (come on, the middle one is a total dreamboat), but when you arrive, there’s a small hitch: event parking is ten dollars. On top of that, they only accept cash, and you’ve just got your debit card with you. By the time you drive around the block, find an ATM (more on them later), get your cash, and make it back, most of the spots are taken, and the first hit single has already been performed. So much for uploading the song on YouTube to make your friends jealous!

Why are the prices so ridiculous? Because owners of the lots can charge you whatever they want. Whether you’re parking in the venue’s lot or the surrounding ones, you can expect to pay a steep price. The only true way to avoid emptying your bank account is to park blocks and blocks away from your destination, but then you’d have to, you know, walk. Ew.

Why the hell do we continue to pay for it? Let’s face it: they kind of have us by the balls. You’ve bought the tickets, you’ve bought the Jonas t-shirt, and you’ve bought the gas to get there—is there really any way you’re going to refuse to pay for parking and miss the show? It’s doubtful. So until city governments put caps on what can be charged for parking, we’ll probably continue to fork over the dough.

5. ATM Fees

It’s easy to forget the exorbitant fees that competing banks charge you for using their ATMs—especially while on vacation, the time when most of us are usually forced to use a different bank’s machine. But a week later, after the hangover has worn off and you’re reviewing your statement, you’ll realize just what kind of crooks you’re dealing with. Some banks have the nards to charge around four dollars per transaction.

Why are the prices so ridiculous? Since the banking bailout, almost all banks have increased their ATM usage fees in order to gain some additional revenue and maintain their reputation of being evil. The average ATM fee jumped last year to nearly two dollars.

Why the hell do we continue to pay for it? When you need your cash, you need your cash. Whether you’re buying souvenirs in Orange Beach or a last minute wedding gift in New Jersey, chances are you feel your trip to the ATM is essential. And while at the time a two dollar withdrawal fee may seem inconsequential, when you think about it, damn. It is your money, after all.

4. Doctor’s Visits

The worst part of that congestion thing you get every February? Shelling out the money to sit in your doctor’s office and wait three hours, only to finally be prescribed the exact same thing you were prescribed last year. For the increasing number of Americans without health insurance, a visit to the doctor can be a real bank breaker (and time waster).

Why are the prices so ridiculous? Besides helping to pay for the doctor’s salaries, you often pay loads of cash on tests you really didn’t need in the first place. In most situations, it costs the physician nothing to order these tests, and gets you out of their hair. They have to deal with their complicated love lives, like in Grey’s Anatomy, which is a documentary.

Why the hell do we continue to pay for it? It’s easy to see the importance in paying for this one—your health is your life, and it’s hard to put a number on that. But more and more alternatives to doctor visits are beginning to present themselves. Did you know that your local Walgreens probably has a nurse practitioner on staff who can prescribe the same stuff your doctor can, for at least than half the price? No? Maybe you should look into that.

That will be one billion dollars.

3. Printer Ink

Sure, you can pick up a dinky little printer for around fifty bucks at your local Best Buy, but it’s the hidden cost of ink that’ll really get you. According to a 2008 study by the American Consumer Institute, printer refill cartridges can end up costing the consumer over 500% of the cost of the printer. That fifty dollar printer just ended up costing you over five hundred. Better hold off on printing that high resolution picture of Jessica Alba.

Why are the prices so ridiculous? It’s a tried and true way of selling a product: slash the price of the main item and markup the prices of its parts. Give away the frames of the glasses, but charge out the ass for the lenses. Lose money with each razor you sell, earn it back with the price of the blades.

Why the hell do we continue to pay for it? Not enough of us know that there are alternative ways to get ink for our printers. Stores like Walgreens and Wal-Mart run their own, in-house refill booths, and the prices are often much less than those of brand new cartridges. There are also kits that enable you to fill your old cartridges, but those can get kind of messy (never do it near the cat. Trust us.).

2. Drinks at Restaurants

Of course you want to impress your lady friend when you take her out for the first date to your favorite restaurant. Who wouldn’t? She’s cute, she’s funny, she’s smart—you just better hope she’s not the drinking type, because that’ll run you some money.

Appletinis are more expensive than a beer – just a fact of life.

Why are the prices so ridiculous? Alcohol at restaurants has the highest markup of any other product on the menu, and it’s obvious. Five dollars for a beer? Six dollars for a vodka cranberry? One New York area restaurant marks up wine 575%. Oftentimes dinners at semi-nice restaurants are high pressure situations—like the first date mentioned above or a business meeting—and managers know that you’ll break out the big bucks if it means impressing your guests. So they charge a lot.

Why the hell do we continue to pay for it? There really is something special about drinking in a public place, isn’t there? It almost feels like you’re getting away with something. We continue to pay high prices for drinks in restaurants because it’s been like this for a while, and not enough of us have questioned it. Let’s go grab a beer and discuss it.

1. College Textbooks

While it’s common knowledge that the cost of attending a four year institution of higher learning is astronomical, a less known ridiculous expense is the textbooks that you need to get in order to pass any classes. According to a recent U.S Department of Education study, college text books prices have increased 186 percent since 1986, around 6 percent a year. Textbooks are now accounting for 26 percent of the expense of college (the rest being on tuition and ramen noodles).

Above: a month’s worth of food.

Why are the prices so ridiculous? The rise of textbook prices is typically due to the frequent publishing of new editions and textbook supplements, aimed at forcing students to buy almost identical items year after year without the chance of selling their old books back.

Why the hell do we continue to pay for it? It’s simple: without the books, the student will fail the course. A student’s best bets for finding better deals on textbooks are to search the internet, try and purchase from friends who have already taken the course, or to visit bookstores that are off campus. Or just forget school and books altogether, because they’re filled with liberal agendas and lies.

One of the few ways liberal arts grads stay warm post graduation.